Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Last blogged @ 3:16 AM

Labels: COOL GIRLS :P

Monday, April 02, 2012
Last blogged @ 7:23 PM

Currently back to blogger.

I've tried to understand many things. I know behind my back, you've did things or either talk to girls or even meet girls, I've lied to you before, how can you not lie to me of this kind of things? know you're just afraid i might break up with you because you talk to girls, you meet girls. I can never believe a guy not talking to girls or meet girls. I should just forget about it, i just would like to be a fool to you, i rather don't wanna know anything than i know, and i got paranoid again. During this 1 year 6 months, i hadn't been really happy. I know you can't give me much things as you're in NS, i really understand & i mean it. I didn't want anythings from you, just that i doesn't want you to talk to girls or meet any girls, i know you couldn't do me thus favour. I've held my feelings for so long, and you know i couldn't express myself all i know is to cry and get angry, this is when i wanna express, 'I'm in pain'. Maybe to you, you'll think I'm dramatic,I'm annoying. This is your thinking, i couldn't stop you from thinking anyway. I've really stopped contacting any other guys, my intention was to make you feel secure, cos i know the feelings of being insecure. All the while, I hadn't been feeling secure, was it that I'm being too paranoid. I couldn't stop myself from being paranoid either :) .. I still remember, there's this moment i kept wanting you to come over my house to accompany me, that was the time i really needed you, i wanna see you,so there was this time you took half day leave, i called you and cried, i even begged you to come over to my place, but you just said: ''bye bye i wanna sleep,stop crying la I'm so tired". Do you know how does this feels? I've tried my best to always be there for you,I've tried my best in everything. I even tried my best to look nice, just for you. Do you know the reason i skipped school? Everynight I'm so paranoid, i couldn't sleep & I'm also afraid if i go school, you'll think that I'm actually having affair or going toilet with guys. I really really feel like quitting school, i thought just by being with you, my life would be fine. I was wrong then, I didn't know i could be so dumb. Meanwhile, there's times when I'm afraid of loosing you. I'm afraid if there's other girls better than me,I've stopped thinking this way. I was so afraid to tell you many things, but now, i've found peace within myself as i know you've founded out every truth, I've stopped hiding things from you or even lied. You've took care of me till now, so far, now you've gotta see me walk alone, you've seen apart of my life, seen me growing up. You still mean alot to me, we were meant to be, but its time now. Letting you go, seeing you being happy with other girl, would make me alot happier. Just by seeing you happy, I'll be fine. Just like what you told me, 'secretly love a person'. I've been faithful to you :) I didn't betray you, i can tell you this. I didn't even got the guts to betray you. You know I've been falling apart, I've been breaking down. I'm gonna be 17 years old in 2 days time, I'm getting older like you. I've been a lil' fat till skinny,I've graduated from secondary school, I've really been a nice girl. I've tried my best to be beautiful inside & out. I'm just afraid of being lonely, i found out that everyone who said: ''I'll be there for you'', left. Even my family,relative, one by one is leaving, i couldn;t face the fact, theres this pain in me which i couldn't describe. My family has been quiet now, grandma gone, you gone, daddy's working, sister is going out with friends, me and my brother & mum has got nothing to talk. Now you know why i always wanna meet & see you everyday? Because I'm always hiding inside my room and think alot, and i feel alot alot lonely. Suddenly so much people has start leaving. I wanted to leave too, i wanna get out this building, which i know sucide can't solve my problems, but i think it could take me lighter, i've been under alot of pressure, i really couldn't take every blow at once, i'm still a girl, I may be weak. My anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness, that is also to tell you I've been hurt. Someday you'll realise that you just can't find 'me' in someone else and that no one could love you the way i do. & I'm sorry, sometimes i gets jealous thinking that someone else could ame you happier than i could. I guess its my insecurities acting up. Because I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest or most fun & exciting person. But I do know that no matter how hard or long you look, you'll never find somebody loves you like i do. I held a grudge for a long time, my pride was wounded and my feelings torn. Memories become bittersweet. A time when all i can do is hope that somehow you'll realise what a difference you made in my life and hpw you contributed to the person I've become. I can't ignore the feelings that once were, I can, however let go and remember. Sometimes I might think,I simply couldn't hold on to us and fantasy any longer. Although the painful memories will always remain, I am now begginning to believe in myself. Sometimes, the most loving thing I can do for you is to let you go. I've embraced enough pains throughout our journey. One day you'll look back and think "I really meant something to her". "Once you lose someone, its never exactly the same person who comes back". Have you ever really truly loved me? I've gave everything to you, i hope you did cherish. I know somethings could not be taken back, but i hope you'll remeber how exactly for every first time. I didn't regret knowing you & even be with you. By a year, I'll be seeing you working & getting the bike you've wanted. It has been hard on you, of me. You'll be happier now, it takes time to get over someone,I'll admit this. Especially the enthu us, everywhere we have memories, we've been to so many places. If i didn't know you, i've never been to so much place before and know so much things. Its time for me to walk alone. Sorry to tell you that, I've already become a lesbian, although i know it wasn't right. I don't care how people is going to mock at me, but i hate to be with guys, i know exactly what guys want. Now that I'm so afraid of taking chances, I'll keep myself on the safe side. My wound is to deep, there's this scar in me which is big. I hope you'll take your time to delete our photos, else your next girlfriend wouldn't will like, like me i told you before. You must move on, don't do anything silly alright? Idiot. Promise me you would be happy now and then. I'm Madeleine, don't forget about us. I know i disrespect you, im sincerely sorry. i just wanna be special to someone, no boyfriends (ex) has treated me right, all i know is, in my life, no one will truly love me. I don't know what have i done wrong. We'll be apart from now, Yes i'll secretly love you :) I'll be your passerby from now then. Sorry that I've always been too much paranoid, and you find me annoying. I won't, i no longer will. I won't exist in your life again, I'll make myself as far as i could from you. Sorry that i loved you too deeply, that is exactly why I began to be paranoid.. I'll keep you in my heart, I'm happy that you were once mine. You've bring me till so far, be happy Daniel. I'm leaving...

17th in 2 days time... Happy 20th life and all, all the best for everything ahead..

19 Sep 2010-3rd April 2012.

Labels: Blissful goodbye.